Addiction – Tough Truth Time

I’ve dealt with addiction most of my life…others, my aunts, my ex husbands, my own…

I realize it’s not the new year yet…but I’ve decided that my New Year starts today, and with that, I’ve decided to be true with all aspects of my world….

Year of transparency – Tough Truth time

Truth: I have an eating disorder. There. I said it.
I’ve only ever said it to very few people in my life, although its been something I’ve struggled with since I was a little girl. Its been something that I’ve dealt with over and over again through out my life and its time that I finally put it out there and deal with it.

Do I need treatment? maybe…. Have I found a peace about it? almost….

Clearly I am not anorexic…I’m not any of the “typical” disorders that people talk about but….there is something very OUT of ORDER with my relationship with food. Its a very strange thing and yet I’m pretty convinced its more common than people like to talk about.

I’ve lost over 50 lbs over the last 4 years….and then gained it back….and then lost some of it again.  The lost again is wonderful…but in the back of my mind I feel like…that’s it?? Is this how this is going to keep playing out?  I know that I have self sabotaged myself here to this point…its what I do….

 But you know what? I’m still moving forward.

Working in the industry I work in, health/wellness, its more and more apparent to me that eating right and exercising is NOT the clear cut answer on its own. Some of us have struggles and if it were that simple, we would do it. Believe me, we would. No one WANTS to have a DIS order.

I have done every single thing out there to get my weight under control. CRAZY things  would work for a short while and then I’d quit. I was constantly looking for an outward solution to something that is clearly an inward problem.
It came to a point about a year and a half ago where I thought I needed weight loss surgery. I was exhausted. Nothing was working…..and I was told I wasnt heavy enough!!! it was such a confusing point for me. I wasnt sure what I was going to do…and so I ate.
Food for me is like a drug. Some people do drugs? I eat.
And then. I found Coaching and it freed me. I’m not saying its a miracle process. I’m not saying my journey is over. What I’m saying is that I finally feel SANE. I finally have true support and a plan that incorporates a healthy LIFE…not just the number on the scale. And I do have a long way to go. But it is happening.  I am clawing myself out of this..but I’m getting out of this.

I guess the whole reason to put this out there is to 1 – GET IT OUT. 2 – I want to help people who are where I was and maybe don’t feel like anyone will understand. I am so passionate about what I do now because I GET IT. I HAVE BEEN THERE. Shoot.  I’m still here!  I have been told just eat less and you will lose weight. I have felt that hopeless feeling and I have lived through it.

Will anyone read this? maybe. Does it matter? not really.

I feel good getting this off my chest. I feel good knowing that I’m not trying to say I’m some mega super star who now promotes health because I’m jumping on some band wagon. this is MY journey. and I can finally say it feels good.

 

xoxo 

Jihan