As you know writing is a release for me, so, right now you’re about to get allll of the heat.
I am motherfucking tired…
I am tired of not speaking about what is going on in the world. I comment here and there and I have open conversations with the people around me but open conversations don’t always capture the gravity of the pain that weighs so heavy on my chest. I don’t speak about the fears that lie dormant inside of my soul. Dormant to you but very active and real to me.
I am tired of waking up everyday to another blow to my community, to my culture, to my people…the men and boys that look like my daddy, my husband, and my nephews. I have 6 nephews that can’t even begin to imagine the danger they are in just because they were born black. Boys that I can’t protect from everything the world will place at their feet.
I am tired of the fear and the sick feeling that I get in my stomach EVERY SINGLE TIME my husband leaves home without me. I am tired of telling him to be careful, though I know he is ALWAYS careful. I am tired of fearing one day he won’t come back home to me because someone mistook him for a “thug” just because he is a young black man. If you are rolling your eyes right now then check yourself because YOU don’t know MY fear…why because you have never had to live life as a black woman married to a black man! If you know my husband you know he is the sweetest, give the shirt off his back to help anyone, type of man. He is the epitome of a great person, PERIOD! I am tired of having this sick and crazy thought that if I am with him when he leaves somehow I, a little black girl from Mississippi, can save him…I can save his life. Another lie I tell myself because it brings me unrealistic comfort. In actuality I have no power to save him. I too could end up on the ground with a knee to my throat or somehow mysteriously hanging from a noose in a jail cell after being “lawfully” arrested for trying to protect him. THIS IS MY FEAR! If it makes you uncomfortable to read this, then it should. I am uncomfortable every single day living it.
I am tired. I am tired of the combination of shame and fear I have when it comes to having children. As you all know by now, I want children and I am working hard to one day be able to bare a child. I am also afraid. I AM SO DAMN AFRAID! Not of being a mother, not of never being able to conceive, but of having a little black boy. I fear not being able to protect my child from the people who are already afraid of him before he has even been conceived. I am tired. I. AM. JUST. TIRED.
I am tired of the people who or upset when Kapernick peacefully takes a knee…not out of disrespect to the people who serve our country but out of RESPECT for the lives that are so callously, carelessly, and demonically being taken, on what feels like a daily basis. I am tired of the SAME DAMN PEOPLE being upset and only focusing on rioters and looters. No, it doesn’t SOLVE anything but it SAYS everything and that is WE ARE MF TIRED. Tired of not being heard, tired of not being taken seriously, tired of being hated for being born, tired of being hated for kneeling, tired of being hated and still shot down for peacefully protesting, tired of being killed sitting on our couches, playing cops and robbers, going to the store, or while being pulled over for a traffic stop. People are tired y’all. If you are offended by a peaceful protest like taking a knee then why can’t WE be offended by being killed in the streets like animals.
I am tired of the people bringing up why black people don’t riot when there is black on black crime. I don’t have much to say here other than stop making excuses. The question should be, why is black life so useless to the people who look like you? Why do you say this everytime another black life is taken? Better yet, how many times have you said this in the last year? The difference is bad people are in this world but you choose to only see them in one color. BLACK. Instead of acknowledging and being upset that a white officer took the life of someone he should have arrested and taken to jail you instead focus, once again, on the what? Black crime. Not the white crime. You can say all day that’s not what you meant or what I am saying is not true, but REAL AND TRUE HONESTY requires taking a hard look at YOURSELF.You may not even realize the engrained prejudiceness that lies within you. It’s so normal for you that you truly feel nothing you are saying or doing is wrong but deep down you know you feel that your life is more valuable than mine. Am I really your friend, do you really care about me? Do you invite me to your weddings, to gatherings, to friend trips, or do I just serve as your black friend? I don’t want you to say, “I don’t see color” because in order for you to see me and help me YOU MUST SEE COLOR!
I am tired of trying to put positivity into this world only to have it met with 10x more hate.
I am tired of being tired, I am tired of feeling discouraged, and I am tired of being afraid. Me alone, being tired and feeling broken, doesn’t solve anything. We need you to be tired too. We need you to be tired of seeing us killed. We need you to be tired of seeing people who look like you call the police and make false reports against black men. People whose sole intent is to weaponize officers simply because they were asked to leash their dog…or simply because they were being asked to adhere to the same laws we all have to follow. We need you to be tired, too. We need each other. United we stand, divided we fall, right??
Now, I am tired of sharing. I’m tired of feeling exhausted after this post. I am just MF tired.
A couple of days later I had to go back and add to this post. See below:
In addition to this post another thing I’m tired of are the people who claim they were in support until the rebellion started. Here’s the truth and you can admit it or not…
If you don’t understand WHY there’s rebellion then you were never with us anyway! Period. You don’t have to go out and do it or even think it’s the “right” thing to do but you HAVE to understand that rage is the voice of the unheard, the oppressed, the years of trauma and slayings, someone who if not for rage would shutdown and be completely destroyed.
This “we WERE with you until” rhetoric is the lie you’re telling yourself and the excuse you’re using to not HAVE to be with us. Be bigger than this lie that allows you to justify and point the finger…the lie that allows you to continue to place blame on the ones who are truly hurting the most.
This is an outcry and you still can’t hear it. That’s what breaks my heart. ?
The man I never want to be taken out of my life. My world. My heartbeat.